My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
