went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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