This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize