so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
