The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just had sex on a roof
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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