I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
