i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
