I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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