We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
