Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
