I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
