I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize