Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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