He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
