Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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