Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
