I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
