my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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