walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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