turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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