soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
