After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is Oprah even human
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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