Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize