Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
