Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
