I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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