You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
