Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
