We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
