What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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