can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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