Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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