oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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