New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
