the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
