Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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