My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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