apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
