Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
