just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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