mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
