Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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