So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
