I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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