I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
