Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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