Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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