Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
