I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
