i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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