failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
