no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
