oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
