Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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