Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
