What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
