Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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