Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
